The Debate--What Did You See?
Sep 27, 2008 Dr. Mark Goulston is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior 
management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He is a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and writes the weekly Tribune syndica ted career advice column, "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark" and columns on leadership for FAST COMPANY and Directors Monthly and is an expert at People Jam. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work and PTSD for Dummies. For more information visit: www.markgoulston.com.
Mark Goulston--
Eye contact, my kingdom for some eye contact
The first Presidential debate is in the can. What did we see? What did THEY see?
Much has already been said about, Barack Obama referring to John McCain by his first name, repeatedly saying: "John is right," and John McCain referring to his opponent as Senator Obama. People have thought Obama may have been disrespectful while McCain was being belittling bordering on contemptuous.
As a communications and emotional intelligence expert, I'll throw a couple more observations into the mix. Just consider them as additional data points.
As I watched the interchange between Obama and McCain, I was having some deja vus about my experiences in head-to-head confrontations from my professional life.
John McCain rarely made eye contact with Barack Obama during the first presidential debate. Being an interventionist and former trainer of FBI and police hostage negotiators, I have been in many confrontations. I never break eye contact and have come to conclude that those who will not make eye contact with me have something to hide or at least more to hide than me.
What frees me to make eye contact is that my total focus is on improving the situation for the people I am with (that comes mainly from my training as a medical doctor). Don't get me wrong. I am passionate about my hopefully informed opinions, but being right has never been more important than making the situation better.
Over time I have observed that those who don't make eye contact with me are more concerned with being right and winning than making the situation better. I think they look away, because when I look at them from my vantage point there are three things present that cause them to be nervous:
- They know they care much more about winning and being right than solving or improving a situation.
- I know they care much more about winning and being right than solving or improving a situation.
- They know that I know they care more about winning and being right than solving or improving a situation.
Two more observations about the debate. Obama on several occasions stopped needing to make his point and deferred to Jim Lehrer to move the debate ahead. Also when Obama was directed to speak directly to McCain, he did. McCain never did that.
After noticing that a couple more things occurred to me:
- It demonstrated Obama's commitment to the process and moving if forward more than being right or having the last word in any conversation. It wasn't a sign of weakness, but a more circumspect view of keeping a process moving ahead vs. having it be derailed by ego.
- It demonstrated that Obama is coachable and seems to have an internal monitor to keep him on track with what is important, which is not to be confused with being wishy-washy or not steadfast.
Like you, I look forward to the Vice Presidential debates. And like you, I look forward to our electing a President who is focused on improving your lot and mine and improving the way America is viewed by the world.
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Reader Comments (2)
I support Obama because the global world is becoming more a Google "open source" model vs. command and control GE model. The more "command and control" you appear, the more paranoid and less cooperative you seem.
Some may think that if we don't stay in control we will be out of control. What we need to accept that being "not in control" (the reality of the world for any country) is not the same as being out of control.
I think if we were to relax our "command and control" position totalitarian regimes would not take over. In fact I think countries like India and China that are just getting a taste of how much you grow and how much money you can make in a "free market" would be likely to put an end to those regimes and we could back off and spend our money where we need to.