BASIL & SPICE--LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS!http://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/en-US2010-02-08T22:56:05ZSquarespace Site Server v5.9.1 (http://www.squarespace.com/)Divorce 2010: Virtual Visitation, Illinois Gives It The OKhttp://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/divorce-2010-virtual-visitation-illinois-gives-it-the-ok.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-31T23:44:22ZDivorce Illinois Sedacca, Rosalind divorce rosalind sedacca virtual visitation

Rosalind Sedacca--

Divorce, like most other aspects of our culture, is being affected by new technological advances.

The state of Illinois, along with several others, are now allowing and even encouraging virtual visitation as part of the divorce agreement. The purpose is to enable a divorced parent with whom the children are not living to enjoy connection time with their child by utilizing a variety of electronic communication tools. This can include video web chats, email dialogue, sharing iPod music, playing iPhone games together or other technological interactions.

While many are embracing this reality as a means of maintaining a stronger connection between a parent and their child who is living apart, there are others expressing concern.

Some feel these technology-based alternatives are not a substitute for in-person visits. These divorce professionals are afraid that some parents will rely too heavily on virtual communication. They may forgo the trip to visit the children and feel less responsibility toward encouraging the in-person parent-child relationship.

In other cases the concern is that one parent will inhibit the other from enjoying personal visits with their child, using the virtual connections as an excuse to keep Dad or Mom away.

When that happens, the children miss out on the hugs, intimacy and other affection that only comes with one-on-one visits and time spent together.

However, for parents who are living far apart from their children and rarely get the opportunity for in-person visits, this new form of contact can be a real blessing. Sitting in front of the screen and chatting with Dad or Mom, face to face, can be quite fulfilling for children. They can hold up their artwork or new toys, show off their sports uniform or new shoes, scan reports or items of interest and maintain a more personal interaction with the non-residential parent.

Like with all things technological, it’s the consciousness behind the tool that will determine whether this new option will become an asset or disappointment in a child’s life. Divorced parents who sincerely care about their child’s well-being can work together to make virtual communication a welcome addition to their lives. Irresponsible parents will abuse this tool, like most others, paying little attention to the emotional effects on their own children.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca is a Certified Corporate Trainer and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents facing, moving through or transitioning beyond divorce. Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Lessons Learned From John Edwards In 2010

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

]]>Original Poetry: A Wise Man At The Birth Of Christ By Mark Butkus (Basil & Spice/ 2010)http://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/original-poetry-a-wise-man-at-the-birth-of-christ-by-mark-bu.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-28T12:49:10ZButkus, Mark Original Poetry basil & spice las poemas mark butkus original poetry

A Wise Man at the Birth of Christ

From: Las Poemas ruido y crudo de Barra de Navidad By Mark Butkus
(Por Roberto Juan Carlos)

I held a baby in my arms today
It had been far too long
Since I held life in my hands -

An unfettered life
No failed promise
No heartache
No loss

Cradled in my arms
I was holding onto tomorrow
At that moment
All I wanted was to be
Part of that child’s tomorrows
To share in that promise
And ward off
The heartache and loss that comes
With living a life

I was overwhelmed
I miss being a father
And I cried for the first time
Since my grandmother died.
And I have lost so much more since then.

All I ever wanted in life was a family
Why have I failed
So miserably on so many occasions?

I’ve wondered for the last two years
As I have made my way through
The minefield that is my life
Why I could no longer cry
Why with the mounting losses
Could I not let go and cry?

Yet today a baby touched my heart
Why here? Why now?

I held a baby in my arms today
It had been far too long
Since I held life in my hands -

An unfettered life
No failed promise
No heartache
No loss

Cradled in my arms
I was holding onto tomorrow
At that moment
All I wanted was to be
Part of that child’s tomorrows
And thank him for making me smile
And letting me cry
Not tears of pain
But tears of joy.

Author Mark Butkus writes original poetry from his heart. He has also been writing about the environment for close to 20 years in various capacities through government agencies and NGOs. He focuses on direct actions undertaken from everyday people and large corporations alike. Change is being enacted. Solutions are being developed.

]]>Lessons Learned From John Edwards In 2010http://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/lessons-learned-from-john-edwards-in-2010.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-25T19:59:35Z2010 Children Ex Sedacca, Rosalind john edwards rosalind sedacca

Rosalind Sedacca--

John Edwards is in the hot seat today because of the many poor decisions he made. His judgment, integrity and credibility are being questioned. His decisions regarding taking responsibility for a child he fathered while already married are being rebuked. His professional career is on the line.

There is much we can all learn from John Edwards' mistakes. And despite all his errors, there’s something we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

For John, that may mean full disclosure to both his wife and mistress, cleaning the slate and accepting full responsibility for all of his actions – and their consequences.

For many of us, the actions may be more subtle and less dramatic – but they’re important to attend to nevertheless.

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues will only result in legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along -- it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – with John Edwards being a prime example! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

I hope John Edwards heeds this advice and immediately starts taking constructive steps that move him in the right direction – to honor the children he presently has with his wife, and the new daughter who will grow up calling him Dad!

Jan 2010: Divorce Filings Rise After The Holidays, Wonder Why?

5 Tips For Tiger Woods And All Families Facing Separation/Divorce

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

]]>Divorce Splits During School Year Tough on Childrenhttp://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/divorce-splits-during-school-year-tough-on-children.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-20T10:59:05ZChildren Divorce Sedacca, Rosalind divorce rosalind sedacca

Rosalind Sedacca--

Many families experience separation or divorce as summer approaches so they can take advantage of the school break to make post-divorce transitions. There are many other families, however, that make the break in the midst of the school year.

There are several reasons why this sometimes becomes a necessity. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses. Still others are faced with unexpected circumstances which accelerate the decision to divorce.

Regardless, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these parents going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?

I, too, planned my separation mid-school year more than a decade ago. My son was eleven at the time. We told him a couple of days after Christmas but didn’t make the physical split until February 1^st.

Obviously school-year separations can be especially difficult for school-age children. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.

Choosing to co-parent, my former husband and I each maintained a residence, intentionally located within a mile or two of each other. Our son got off the school bus at one house or the other, with little disruption of his normal routine. At the end of the school year one of his teachers came up to me saying she just learned that my husband and I split up in February. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.

Little did I know then that a decade later I would be writing a book and devoting my life to alerting parents about the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.

My advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place and feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame that your child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on how he or she is going to look back and remember these next several years.

Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
Did you keep one of their parents from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?

These are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. It’s not divorce per se that harms children, I firmly believe. It’s the parents' approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world. How are you approaching these challenges?

Supported by my Child-Centered Divorce network, website, ezine, blog and other resources, my mission is clear: to encourage parents in consciously choosing to create a collaborative, harmonious Child-Centered Divorce which will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. My son is proof that it can work successfully.

Jan 2010: Divorce Filings Rise After The Holidays, Wonder Why?

5 Tips For Tiger Woods And All Families Facing Separation/Divorce

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

]]>Book Review: Committed By Elizabeth Gilbert (Viking/ Jan 2010)http://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/book-review-committed-by-elizabeth-gilbert-viking-jan-2010.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-16T19:56:04ZBook Review Heather O'Roark Marriage Memoir book review committed elizabeth gilbert marriage viking

By Heather O'Roark

At the end of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir Eat, Pray, Love, she met and fell in love with Brazilian-born, Bali resident Felipe. They knew they were in love and would be together, faithfully, forever, but both had absolutely awful marriages in their pasts, and were completely against marriage.

Committed finds them at a turning point in their relationship – the United States homeland security decides that Felipe simply can’t come in and out of the United States every three months like he’s been doing for a few years--and if Liz and Felipe want to be together, they have no choice but to get married. So what does Gilbert, who is terrified of marriage, do? She undertakes the duty of researching marriage in order to get familiar with the institution, to understand what about it she is so averse to, and to find a way to make her own marriage one that she can be fully happy about and thankful for.

Gilbert examines the history of marriage, how marriage affects different types of people in different ways, what marriages have been like in her own family, and her own prejudices about the institution of marriage. Ultimately, she comes away with the understanding that love is complex and wonderful, difficult but joyful, all at once, and that her own marriage can be whatever she and Felipe make it to be.

Okay, first of all, I have to say one thing up front: I am fully and unequivocally in love with Elizabeth Gilbert. I know that opinions about Eat, Pray, Love were all over the board, especially in the blogging world, but I cannot adequately express how much I loved that book. I just felt such a kinship with Gilbert… I really connected to her, for some reason, what she said and how she said it truly resonated with me and I just loved reading about her journey. So, clearly, I have a little bias when it comes to Committed – I expected to love it, and I actually did.

I, too, was skeptical of marriage before I got married. Not skeptical to the point where I didn’t want to enter into it, but skeptical because I’ve seen the result of my parents’ disastrous marriage – and I know that when they got married, they were totally in love. I’ve always tried to figure out, among my friends’ and family members’ relationships, what makes some couples work for the long haul and others just can’t make it happen. I love my husband and I believe in our relationship. But before we got married, I thought of divorce as something that just happened to you. I feared that one day, I would wake up and we just wouldn’t work anymore. Now I think that is certainly possible, and in some marriages perhaps that happens, but for us we both work hard to make sure that we have a strong marriage. Really, we are still newlyweds (2.5 years), so I am probably just speaking from a place of ignorance more than anything else at this point. But I will say that my views on marriage have changed a lot since before I got married. So that’s one reason I loved Committed so much.

What I liked about the book the most, I think, is the examination of Gilbert’s own experiences of marriages and her analysis of how her own prejudice and preconceived notions were tarnishing her ability to see how she could have a happy marriage of her own. Upon examining her parents’ marriage, her grandmother’s marriage, her sister’s marriage, and the history of marriage, she really was able to develop her own ideas about what she wanted for her own marriage. The conclusion she came to really stuck with me – marriage is so individual. Each of us brings our own stuff into a marriage, good and bad, and it’s up to each couple to make things work. Some figure it out, some do not. I personally plan to learn from the marriages I’ve seen succeed and the marriages I’ve seen fail – I think that my husband and I both have stuff we have to figure out, and it will take years of practice for us to establish a pattern and a marriage that works for us. But I do believe in our ability to do it.

Ultimately, marriage is about love. This is what Gilbert finally understood, as she married Felipe, the love of her life. Marriage does not have to be a certain way, it is shaped by the individuals within the union. But really, it’s all about love. Love for each other, love for your family, love for your common goals, and for your own individual aspirations – this is what Gilbert got out of her research, and that’s how she and Felipe started their own marriage.

I know that this book isn’t for everybody, but I really liked it. I continue to adore Elizabeth Gilbert and will read anything else she writes.

You'll find the author online at www.elizabethgilbert.com

Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage (Viking Adult/ Jan 2010) by Elizabeth Gilbert

]]>Compassion: 3 Steps To Help Change The Worldhttp://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/compassion-3-steps-to-help-change-the-world.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-14T10:41:53Z20/20 insight gold Coates, Dennis E Compassion Love Relationship compassion dennis e coates habit kindness love random act

Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D.--

“Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tries, and a touch that never hurts.” - Charles Dickens

Being compassionate means being considerate of people’s feelings.

Life is full of disappointments. With so much pain in the world, it’s easy to create barriers to protect yourself from being hurt. You could become callous to others’ needs and withdraw into your own world. At the other extreme, you might fly into a rage when things don’t go the way you’d hoped. You may want to lash out at others when you’re frustrated. Either reaction builds walls between you and others.

Despite the inevitable hurts that you’re bound to experience in life, you can remain sensitive to others. Thoughtful people care about the impact they have on others. They don’t knowingly inflict harm. Instead, they control their reactions to make sure they don’t hurt the people around them. They make a point of being patient and understanding, rather than expressing anger or cruelty.

You can make it a habit to consider how your words and actions impact on those around you. Consider doing these things...

1. To the next person you encounter, say a kind or considerate word. It won’t take up much of your time, and your thoughtfulness will make a difference.

2. To a friend, do something that shows you care about this person. Your relationship will grow stronger.

3. To a total stranger, perform a “random act of kindness.” Then encourage the recipient to “pay it forward.” Compassion is contagious.

You'll be surprised at how good these acts of kindness will make you feel. Do them often, and they will become a habit.

Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D., is co-founder and CEO of Performance Support Systems, Inc. He is the author of 20/20 Insight Gold, an award-winning, versatile online feedback survey platform, and ProStar, an online learning reinforcement and self-development system. A graduate of West Point, Denny has over 35 years’ experience as a manager and leader. His military assignments focused on training development and personnel management and included service in Vietnam and Germany. He earned his Ph.D. at Duke University and has served on the faculties of the United States Military Academy, the Armed Forces Staff College, the College of William and Mary, and Thomas Nelson Community College. In addition, he was an adjunct lecturer at the Center for Creative Leadership for ten years. Hundreds of Fortune 1000 companies have benefited from his work in assessment, self-awareness, leadership and team development. He is the author of numerous articles, booklets, and manuals in the areas of cognitive style, leadership, management, training, and creativity. You'll find him online at www.buildingpersonalstrength.com

Perseverance Will Overcome Discouragement: Don't Give Up!

Weight Watcher Success: 60lbs Lost Before 2010!

]]>Book Review: The Male Factor By Shaunti Feldhahnhttp://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/book-review-the-male-factor-by-shaunti-feldhahn.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-11T12:18:32ZBook Review David M. Kinchen Men Women book review broadway books david m kinchen men random house shaunti feldhahn the male factor women

BOOK REVIEW: The Male Factor: Exhaustive Nationwide Survey Confirms Attitudinal Differences Between Men, Women in the Workplace

Reviewed by David M. Kinchen

It's not very politically correct of me (as if I care!) but I've always believed there is a gender gap in the workplace. Men and women think and act differently and react differently to the same things. Cut to the chase, obvious as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. Case closed.

This observation is based on almost fifty years of post-college employment, including decades on five daily newspapers, where women were well represented in the reportorial and editorial ranks long before other businesses. It's not sexism; it's realism.

Now comes Shaunti Feldhahn's The Male Factor: The Unwritten Rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace (Broadway Books, a division of Random House, 320 pages, $22.99) which essentially confirms my long-held suspicions.

Based on a nationwide survey and interviews with more than three thousand men, Feldhahn, the bestselling author of For Women Only and For Men Only, has crafted a very readable and comprehensive exploration of how men in the workplace tend to think, which even the most astute women might otherwise miss. In The Male Factor, Feldhahn investigates and quantifies the private thoughts that men almost never publicly reveal or admit to, but that every woman will want to know.

Feldhahn would make a great investigative reporter; if I were an editor of a news operation of any kind, I'd hire her in a New York -- or Atlanta -- minute to head up the investigative staff. Both are applicable, since Feldhahn worked for the New York Federal Reserve Bank before moving to her present base in Atlanta, the New York of the South. She has a master's degree in public policy from Harvard University and is a syndicated columnist in addition to being a best-selling author.

This is the first book I've seen -- certainly the first by a woman -- to dig into the hearts and minds of thousands of men in the workplace—from CEOs to managers, from lawyers to factory workers—to get a comprehensive and confidential picture of what men commonly think about their female colleagues, how they view flextime and equal compensation, what their expected “rules” of the workplace are, what managing emotion means, and how that low cut top is perceived.

Feldhahn was supremely wise to guarantee the men in the surveys and interviews anonymity; because of this guarantee they talk in a candid and uncensored way about their daily interactions with women bosses, employees, and colleagues, as well as what they see as the most common forces of friction and misunderstanding between men and women at work.

Among the subjects The Male Factor tackles are:

• How men, with rare exception, view almost any emotional display as a sign that the person can no longer think clearly—as well as what they perceive to be “emotion” in the first place (it’s not just crying). Feldhahn even quotes the observation by the Tom Hanks baseball manager character in the movie A League of Their Own: "There's no crying in baseball."

• Why certain trendy clothes that women wear may create a career-sabotaging land mine in terms of how male colleagues perceive them. As a woman might say (silently, in most cases), "My eyes are up here, stop looking at my cleavage." A guy might retort (silently in most cases) "Why are you dressing so provocatively?"

• The unintentional signals that can change a man’s perception of a woman from “assertive and competent” to “difficult.” One very important insight men gave the author is that a woman who talks and acts rough and drops the F-Bomb at every chance she can -- in a mistaken belief that this is how men interact. The men she surveyed viewed women who act like this in the workplace as inauthentic.

As I read the book, the immortal line from George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion, later translated to the musical stage as My Fair Lady (I like the 1939 Leslie Howard-Wendy Hiller movie version of Pygmalion very much and recommend it) wafted through my head: "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" Women -- and men, too, because guys should read this book -- are offered answers to that age-old question in The Male Factor. Feldhahn tells us that male and female brains are different -- as if we didn't know that! -- accounting for much of the differences in how men and women react in the workplace.

Women -- especially those who've been indoctrinated with the false view of some feminists that to proclaim differences between the sexes is to diminish women -- will likely be surprised, even shocked, by these revelations. Some may find them challenging. Yet what they will gain is an invaluable understanding of how their male bosses, colleagues, subordinates, and customers react to a host of situations—as well as the ability to correct common misperceptions.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of For Women Only:What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women. Her books have sold two million copies and have been translated into fifteen different languages. You'll find the author online at www.TheMaleFactorBook.com.

Book Review: Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid By Howard J. Morris And Jenny Lee

]]>Jan 2010: Divorce Filings Rise After The Holidays, Wonder Why?http://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/jan-2010-divorce-filings-rise-after-the-holidays-wonder-why.htmlAt Basil & Spice2010-01-06T02:31:25Z2010 Divorce Sedacca, Rosalind attorney divorce expense rosalind sedacca statistics

Rosalind Sedacca--

Statistics bear it out. Every January the number of couples filing for divorce rises dramatically. And this year the numbers seem to be even higher. When you think about it, the reason comes as no surprise. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses.

Regardless, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these couples, if they are parents, going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?

I, too, planned my separation at this time of year more than a decade ago. My son was eleven at the time. We told him a couple of days after Christmas but didn’t make the physical split until February 1^st.

These winter separations can be especially difficult for children coming as it does in the middle of the school year. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.

Little did I know then that a decade later I would be writing a book and devoting my life to alerting parents about the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.

Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
Did you keep their other parent from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?

These are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. It’s not divorce per se that harms children, I firmly believe. It’s the parent’s approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world. How are you approaching these challenges?

5 Tips For Tiger Woods And All Families Facing Separation/Divorce

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

]]>Family Photos Are Essential For Children Of Divorcehttp://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/family-photos-are-essential-for-children-of-divorce.htmlAt Basil & Spice2009-12-28T12:10:51ZDivorce Sedacca, Rosalind divorce family photos rosalind sedacca

Rosalind Sedacca--

I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.

She talks about how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her “real” family – before the divorce.

This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, “possibly to protect her stepparents’ feelings” as she moved on into other chapters in her life.

She goes on to send a message out to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time – and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to “be the grownup” and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.

Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.

Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent – and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you’re a step-parent, don’t try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child’s heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can’t demand or force it.

The woman’s blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children’s shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.

This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It’s also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them – even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together. My ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! provides fill-in-the-blank templates to guide parents in creating a valuable storybook with family photos and history as a great resource tool that gets parents in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Can any parent want anything less?

5 Tips For Tiger Woods And All Families Facing Separation/Divorce

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

]]>FirstLook Review: The Lonely Hearts Club By Elizabeth Eulberghttp://www.basilandspice.com/love-and-relationships/firstlook-review-the-lonely-hearts-club-by-elizabeth-eulberg.htmlAt Basil & Spice2009-12-26T22:01:39ZBook Review FirstLook Tina Avon book elizabeth eulberg firstlook point publishing review the lonely hearts club

By Tina Avon

The Lonely Hearts Club immediately drew me to the storyline - Penny Lane has just been hurt by another guy - but not "just" another guy, but her childhood friend Nate - he was supposed to be different and it turns out, he was just another jerk, so Penny decides to create The Lonely Hearts Club at school -- And Surprise, Surprise!!!! A ton of girls flock to join - and this annoys most of the guys at the school.

As a 40-something woman who has had her share of loser boyfriends, I immediately fell in love with this book. I love that Penny took a very negative and hurtful situation and turned it into something positive -- something in which she could grow out of the experience.

I also loved the interaction between the girls. This book is definitely about guys and their lack of basically everything! But it's much more about friendships between girls and realizing that, in life, there are so many things that are important and that guys should never be the only consideration.

The writing is charming and quirky (so is Penny by the way) and I simply adored this book.

By the way, Penny does come to realize that maybe NOT all guys are the same--a lesson I am still trying to learn.

Elizabeth Eulberg has been involved with publishing for several years. She is a graduate of Syracuse University. The Lonely Hearts Club (Point/ Dec 2009) is her first novel. You'll find the author online at www.ElizabethEulberg.com

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