Susan Shapiro Barash--

A part of the intrigue of watching AMC's weekly television series, Mad Men, is how the female characters relate to one another. Set in the early 1960's, these women are not yet awake in a world where a woman's role was relegated to being wife and mother or a single working woman.

Wives and mothers were meant to identify closely with each other, having scored the plum prize of life in suburban post war America, while single women were biding their time until this became their destiny as well. In either case, the women were expected to be friends with those who were in the same boat. And yet both sets of women appear strangely distanced from their counterparts and there is little camaraderie or real friendship.    

Our impression of what happens on Mad Men is seen through a 21st century prism. If we compare our female friendships to those that existed almost fifty years ago, their connections seem hollow and unfulfilling. The women were shut down in terms of their own needs and longings --making it difficult to be a friend who would share  her innermost thoughts and feelings or have empathy for her friend's plight. 

Today women of all ages, single, married, divorced, widowed, have a clearer sense of their own personal requirements in terms of relationships, children, careers and friendships. They look to their female friends for comfort, companionship, guidance and support.  We reveal ourselves to our friends and expect  them to be there in a pinch. That isn't to say that friendships aren't more complicated as a result, with more expectations placed on the relationship  and the demands of intimacy, or that a friend can't still fail us. The difference is that most women today aren't interested in dealing with their friends at arms' length.  Few of us have the time in our fast paced lives to posture, and, because we have more introspection, we feel more entitled to happiness (which, thankfully, is more broadly defined).    

Thus, watching  the women of Mad Men reminds us of what remains the same when it comes to what women want, what options have opened up for women  and how that affects female bonds. For example, Joan, oozing sex appeal, supervises the secretary pool at Sterling Cooper, the ad agency, with an iron grip and a world weary approach. Peggy, whose straight laced demeanor belies her, is the token woman who works in 'creative' at the agency, and is virtually friendless. If we apply 21st century sensibilities, these two disparate types could be friends and share their frustrations and ambitions in the workplace, but in the early sixties, the tension simmers beneath the surface. Instead, Joan makes disparaging remarks about how Peggy dresses and the one chance they have to go to lunch together ends with two male colleagues joining them, preempting any female bonding.      

On the home front, the wives of Mad Men, are programmed to find friends who reflect their lifestyle. The suburban scenes of purported bliss, husbands, houses, children, echo through every gesture and coffee klatch.  At the center is Betty, wife of the elusive protagonist, Don Draper. Betty is surrounded by other wives/mothers yet she is disenfranchised, her disappointment almost palpable.  When Helen, the stunning divorcee, arrives at the Drapers' daughter's birthday party, she is a cautionary tale for the other secretly disgruntled wives and mothers. Helen's appearance sends chills down the spines of those who haven't the courage to take action and dread a world without a husband as buffer. Betty's best friend, Francine, with whom she speaks mostly in code of their discontent, is quite displeased by Helen's arrival, as if her status is contagious.      

The lack of connection and the concern with being judged by one's female friends is shown to us through Betty's experience. In season two of the series when she tells Don to leave after she discovers his affair with an older woman, she walks around her house for days, stunned and alone. Finally, in a rare moment of traded confidences, she tells Helen that they've separated. This baring of one's personal life would bring women closer in present times, but when Helen responds by describing the 'hardest part' of divorce as 'realizing you're in charge,' Betty says little more.  Neither woman thaws or initiates any  genuine closeness, despite that a support system would be meaningful. In contrast, today such a circumstance would be fodder for 'misery lovers' - those female friends who  spill their stories and commiserate.  

The search for an 'authentic friend' wasn't on the radar screen for the characters in Mad Men, and this reminds us of how much the cultural climate influences friendships and behaviors.  That isn't to say that a protocol didn't exist - after all, who will befriend Jane, the beautiful former secretary to Don Draper who seduces Roger Sterling and ends up his wife - and no longer a working girl? On the one hand, she's followed the rule, she's gotten a job and landed a man, but she's also broken a moral code among women that existed even then. Jane has busted up Roger Sterling's longstanding marriage, offending the wives  and harming the reputation of the secretaries in the process. In modern day terms, one might say that Jane is a 'toxic friend,' the one who has little respect for other women, and believes the risk/reward ratio doesn't involve the feelings of those who would  befriend her, superficially as that might be in mid century America.

Susan Shapiro Barash is the author of Toxic Friends (St. Martin's Press/ Oct 2009) and ten previous books. She teaches gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College.  A well-recognized gender expert, she is frequently sought out by newspapers, television shows, and radio programs to comment on women's issues.  You'll find the author online at SusanShapiroBarash.com

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