- BASIL AND SPICE LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Tuesday

Aug312010

(8/2010) School: A Support System For Divorcing Parents And Kids

Aug 31, 2010

Rosalind Sedacca--

Returning to school after their parents have separated or divorced can be difficult for any child. You can ease the transition, however, by opening the door to the many resources available to you through the school. The key here is in forming a cooperative relationship with key personnel.

Making your child’s teachers aware of a major change in your home environment is helpful both for them and your child. That’s because school is really a second home for children in our culture.

Regardless of their age, children can’t be expected to turn off their emotions during or after a divorce any more than their parents can. Fear, insecurity, shame, guilt and other emotions are usually triggered when a parental marriage ends. These complex feelings can affect a child’s focus, self-esteem, relationships with their friends as well as their academic performance.

Many children trust and feel safe with their teachers. By talking to the teacher in advance and explaining the status of your post-divorce arrangements, you can go a long way toward helping your child feel more secure or less alone.

Here are some tips for making the most of your school system and professional educators:

Talk to your child before sending them back to school. Discuss any changes in routine or scheduling they can expect. Also let them know who they can talk to at school if they are feeling sad or have questions about adapting to life at school post-divorce. School can be your child’s best friend at this time – and a great support system for your family – if you take advantage of all the resources available.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca is a Certified Corporate Trainer and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents facing, moving through or transitioning beyond divorce. Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Rosalind Sedacca is also the co-author with Amy Sherman of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!. Go to www.99-series.com/index.html for more information.

Pre-Teens (Tweens) And Divorce Talk

(8/2010) Before You Date Again....

Aug 29, 2010

Amy Sherman--

Relationships should be life enhancing and ever lasting. That's why if you are recently divorced, widowed or between relationships and are ready to start dating again, you should know what to anticipate and how to avoid the common relationship pitfalls.

Successful relationships are built on mutual respect. Therefore, you can't expect things to run smoothly by bringing your old baggage into your new relationship. Any unfinished business from your past needs to be cleaned up as part of the process of closure and moving on.

Here are the steps you can take to release your negative emotions:

1. Identify your "issues." Are you having trust issues because your spouse cheated on you? Were you a victim of physical or emotional abuse from a controlling partner? Are you so co-dependent that you don't know how to live your own life?

It helps to pinpoint what areas are bothering you and identify your underlying concern. Notice any patterns you keep repeating and be responsible for changing what you can about yourself. At the same time, realize you can't change anyone else. Therefore, don't expect to "fix" your new partner, especially if he/she has no interest in modifying what they do.

2. Once you know the problem areas, feel the feelings associated with them. Are you feeling sad, angry, guilty, bitter, hurt, resentful or just plain disillusioned? Some external trigger, like a familiar song, a comment, a certain look, a meal, etc, will usually uncover these feelings and other feelings that are suppressed. Your new partner, unaware as to what is going on, will be a clueless recipient of your snide remarks and inconsiderate behavior. By getting clear on what triggers may be setting you off, you can neutralize your feelings, making those emotions lose their negative charge. In that way, you allow your new relationship to move ahead successfully, without the usual drama.

Remember, you don't want to repeat your mistakes and blame others for things going wrong. Instead, take a look at what part you play in allowing any situation to develop. If you could do things differently, you probably would. Insight is the gift you get for learning your lessons and taking another path.

3. Finally, visualize yourself happy in a relationship. You know what you want and what you don't want. Have a clear image in your mind of your desired partner and see yourself happy together. Feel how that would feel. The more genuine the feelings are, the more you will attract what you are looking for and what you most deserve.

When you release old baggage from your past, it is very liberating. You feel a weight lift off your shoulders, setting you free to have a healthy, long term relationship. The time you spend letting go of the past will make you and your potential partner grateful that you took the time to clear your mind, heart and soul to love again.

Amy Sherman is a licensed mental health counselor and trainer. Amy is also the co-author with Rosalind Sedacca of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!. Go to www.99-series.com/index.html for more information.

Amy Sherman is also the founder of Baby Boomers’ Network, a resource designed to give baby boomers the insights, information and inspiration they need to live their best lives. She is the author of the ebook, Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life and The Joy of Optimism 10-Lesson eCourse. To learn more, go to www.bummedoutboomer.com. Amy can be reached at amy@bummedoutboomer.com

Baby Boomers: An Unhappy Generation

(8/2010) Looks Easy Enough: A Love Story

Aug 25, 2010

Review By Kathy Upton

The author on the back cover of Looks Easy Enough tells us the story is an inspirational tale of facing life's tough challenges and coming out ahead. Well, the author is right - facing cancer, divorce, a forest fire and a stock market crash, yet still coming out ahead is very inspiring. The author, Scott Stevenson, is a skilled writer and a great story teller. He pulls you in, gets you involved in the lives of the characters, and he makes it hard for you to put the book down. And taken as an inspirational tale, I would highly recommend it.

But the book is more than an inspirational story; it's an honest to goodness love story--not a sappy harlequin where the characters are as deep as the page they're written on, but a real life romance between a real life man and woman. The tough times that befell the author and his wife, Susan, became vehicles in which to express their love. There is one chapter in the beginning of the book where the author's wife received a phone call from her doctor informing her that she had breast cancer and the author rushed home to be with her. He saw her crying and realized how much he truly loved her. The description of his feelings, " . . .a sense of love that fills every cell of my being and goes beyond this lifetime . . . it overwhelms me and I grab the rail for support . . . " brought tears to my eyes. And the tender and caring way the author and his wife interacted and played off each other throughout the whole cancer journey: attending all the medical and hospital appointments together, giving each other massages when they were stressed out, the way the author fully accepted and supported his wife's decision when she switched from conventional to holistic treatments after her mastectomy, and much more.

Definitely a romance!

The author and his wife also jumped in to help his sister when she told them she was filing for divorce from her abusive Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde husband (friendly in public and abusive behind closed doors). This was yet another opportunity for them to not only strengthen their love for each other but also for his sister. Paying for his sister's attorney, purchasing her house out of foreclosure so she and her four children wouldn't be turned out onto the streets, attending all her attorney meetings and court hearings, and spending umpteen hours helping her gather and prepare court documents went way beyond generous. Only a couple confident in each other and truly in love could do that much for another.

Another chapter that comes to mind is when the author and his wife are in the cab of their old work truck, driving home from the mountains after a day of erecting a giant cedar tree in the middle of the house - they had just retired and were building their dream home in the mountains. The sun was setting and the blues played on the radio when the author said to his wife,

"'Hey Dudette, can you see the color green in the sunset?'

'No, Dude, I don't see any green in the sunset,' she replied.

'Really? I can see the color green just above the horizon just outside where the reds and oranges stop,' said the author.

'No Dude, there isn't any green,' said his wife for a second time.

'I'm sure I can see an olive green color,' the author replied.

'Well Dude, remember you're color-blind. There is no green!'"

The previous evening the author and his wife had watched the movie, The Big Lebowski, where the main character played by Jeff Bridges is called The Dude. The author and his wife had been calling each other Dudette, Dude, Dudster and Dudest for most of the day. They made me wish that I had a similar relationship . . . other than with my cat!

And then there are the pet names for each other. At first they called each other Husband and Wife because they had just been married and were still getting used to the idea. At other times she called the author Bub ("It's easy to say; all you have to do is put your lips together and blow. It takes no effort and Susan definitely likes things that take no effort.") And then there was Newt, Mutt, Bean, Toot, and Monk ("short for monkey"). The author called his wife Babe-O ("I also like things that are easy to say. Like Bub, all you do is put your lips together and blow.) Followed by Bubble, Monkin, Chile Bean, and others.

Tell me this isn't a love story!

But life for the author and his wife was not a bed of roses. Remember this is an inspirational story of making it through some pretty tough times. A forest fire, a stock market plunge, fears of a cancer recurrence, and a nasty four-year divorce are not the best of times. But through it all, the author and his wife trusted in each other, helped each other (as well as others), saw the humor in life, persevered, and truly did appear to come out better people.

Looks Easy Enough is a heart-warming, grown-up love story woven in and around an inspirational story of overcoming some pretty tough odds.

Scott Stevenson opened an architectural firm in Solana Beach, California in 1983. Twenty years later, he met Susan and married for the first time. Shortly afterwards, he and his new bride set their retirement dreams in motion and the tale of Looks Easy Enough begins . . .

Looks Easy Enough is based on Scott's personal experiences and on a lifetime of asking questions, keeping his eyes and ears open, and trying to figure out what makes this funny world of ours go round. Find the author online at www.lookseasyenough.com/

The Big Picture View Of Eat, Pray, Love

Kathy Upton was born on the sandy shores of Pacific Beach (San Diego), California and except for a five year stint at UC Berkley where she received a degree in Political Science, she has called sunny San Diego home her entire life. In her twenties she was an avid surfer, the ocean type not the web type, and roamed the surfing circuit traveling the west coast from Mexico to Canada in search of the big waves. Kathy is currently married and is a stay at home mom to two beautiful daughters. In her spare time she writes human interest stories and on occasion book reviews for several small newspapers. And when the weather is right, you’ll find her at the beach teaching her daughters the finer points of surfing.

(8/2010) Parenting Plans: The Guide Through Divorce And Children

Aug 22, 2010

Rosalind Sedacca--

Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.

In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come.

The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children’s best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.

Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time. Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.

While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn’t get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.

No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don’t try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.

Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children – regardless of their age.

Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.

Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don’t contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don’t put down their other parent – even if you don’t agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don’t make a big deal about those issues.

Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life – and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.

Pre-Teens (Tweens) And Divorce Talk

2 Comments | |

Email Article |

tagged

plan,

rosalind sedacca in

Children,

Divorce,

Parent,

Sedacca, Rosalind

Wednesday

Aug112010

(8/2010) Parental Alienation: There's No Co-Parenting Happening

Aug 11, 2010

Mike Jeffries--

Writing a monthly column on parental alienation for Basil & Spice is both challenging and rewarding.

The challenging part occurs when I am staring at a blank computer screen with a deadline approaching and all I have to show for my efforts is an almost empty bag of Chips Ahoy.

The reward usually comes just before I reach for the last cookie and the inevitable sugar-induced coma. At this point the Blog Content gods take pity on me and drop an idea for the upcoming column right in my lap.

Here’s what I mean. As I was staring at the blank screen that would become this column, AOL News and NBC’s Today Show were kind enough to run a story about a mother who was reunited with her children 30 years after she received a mysterious phone call saying they had died in a car crash.

If you saw the story I’m sure you were touched by the Mom’s heartwarming reunion with her children. But if you, or someone you know, has ever been an alienated parent, I’m sure you were also saddened that the media did not raise parental alienation as a potential reason for the estrangement.

Mom thought her children were dead. The children’s father told the kids that Mom abandoned them, was dead, in the Army, or the Peace Corps. “His story always changed,” said Karen Cason, one of the children.

The father said his ex-wife never called him after the divorce to ask for their children back and that he didn’t know about the phone call carrying the news of the fatal car crash.

Let’s give Dad the benefit of the doubt. Let’s say he didn’t know about the phone call and never received a call from his ex-wife. But if I’m the reporter, I’m questioning him about everything else. Did he ever try to contact her? Was his phone number listed, and did he let his friends and family know that if his ex-wife called, they should put her in touch with the children? What about the conflicting stories he told his children about Mom? And finally, did he ever feel bad that his children never knew their Mom, or have any empathy for an ex-wife who didn’t know anything about her children?

We all like happy endings, but if parental alienation was the reason for this estrangement there might have been a happy ending years ago if people understood the issue. Alienating parents typically do not co-parent with their ex-spouses. They don’t exchange contact information or help the children stay in touch with the other parent. In fact, alienating parents don’t follow any court orders designed to keep both parents in their children’s lives. Alienating parents are also impulsive and deceitful – using any lie that makes sense in the moment without worrying about what was said in the past. And above all, alienating parents have no feelings of empathy, sympathy or guilt for the people they are hurting.

So thanks, AOL News and the Today Show, for the story idea. However in the future I promise to come up with my own topics if you don’t settle for the easy happy ending and instead take the extra step to educate the world about an issue keeping countless children and parents unnecessarily apart.

Mike Jeffries is the author of A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation. Formerly a journalist and currently a corporate communication professional, Jeffries articles on parental alienation, divorce, parenting and advocacy have appeared in Counseling Today, Woman’s Magazine, The Richmond County Bar Association Journal, Children’s Voice Magazine, CRC Children, and at Womansdivorce.com and Dadsdivorce.com. He has also discussed parental alienation on radio programs in the United States, Canada, Australia and the United Kingdom; and on CNN, at ChildrenToday.com and in Best Life Magazine. The A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation website is located at www.afamilysheartbreak.com. Jeffries and A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation can also be found on Facebook.

Parental Alienation 2010: You Are NOT Alone

4 Comments | |

Email Article |

Permalink

tagged

mike jeffries,

parental alienation in

Jeffries, Mike,

Parental Alienation

Consciousness Beyond Life, Scientifically Proven

Interview With Dr. Melvin Morse--Researcher of the Near Death Experience

What Happens When We Die? By Dr. Raymond Moody

UFO Disclosure 2010: The Government Hoax

Mind Control: At Your Door Day And Night

The Ghosts Of Notre Dame

2012 EXPOSED: Earthquakes Today A Part of Mayan Prophecy

2012 EXPOSED: Biblical Consciousness

Autism 2010: Telepathic Exchange Credible Communication Factor

FirstLook Book Review: The Power of Premonitions by Larry Dossey, M.D.

Prayer: The Divine Umbilical Cord To God By Liz Colado

Flip UltraHD Camcorder, 120 Minutes (Black)

Flip MinoHD 2 Receives Top Product Review

Product Review: Holistic Select Receives 4 Paws!

**5* Product Review: Struggle Skateboard's Vacation Deck**

**5* Product Review: Gaiam ALL-Grip Yoga Brick**

**5* Product Review: Human Touch CirQlation™ Pro**

**5* Product Review: Pura Stainless Steel Bottles**

**5* Reviews: Otterbox Case For iPhone 3G, 3GS; Blackberry Storm**

**4.9* Review: Nokia E51 Unlocked Phone**

(8/2010) School: A Support System For Divorcing Parents And Kids

Pre-Teens (Tweens) And Divorce Talk

(8/2010) Before You Date Again....

Baby Boomers: An Unhappy Generation

(8/2010) Looks Easy Enough: A Love Story

The Big Picture View Of Eat, Pray, Love

(8/2010) Parenting Plans: The Guide Through Divorce And Children

Pre-Teens (Tweens) And Divorce Talk

(8/2010) Parental Alienation: There's No Co-Parenting Happening

Parental Alienation 2010: You Are NOT Alone