Brenda Della Casa--

On The Offensive: Defending Yourself Against Offensive and Rude People

A few days ago, I opened my Facebook page to find (yet another) deeply offensive and hurtful status update from a former colleague posted on my homepage. This person, an aspiring comedian, finds humor in poking fun of painful topics that the majority of society finds sad and sacred, and judging by the responses to this particular comment, I was not alone in my offense. Though I was tempted to give him a sharp lesson in decency in his comment section, I did what so many of us do in these situations; I bit my tongue and swallowed my words in order to “be nice” and not “make waves.”

“We have different boundaries, and besides, he doesn’t matter,” I told myself and changed my settings to ensure I would never see his updates again.

The next morning, as I sat in front of my computer with a freshly poured cup of coffee, I was greeted with nasty email from this same man in which he attacked me for deleting him and called me “lame” and a “loser” for doing so.

I was stunned. I had met this man in person only once and had not worked with or spoken to him for four years, but he was perfectly comfortable sending me a vicious message after midnight. Here it was 7:00 AM in the morning and I felt like I was back in first period being bullied by the class jerk. When I wrote him back and mentioned that he was mistaken and that his words hurt my feelings, he dove below my low expectations and mocked me.

His arrogance and thoughtlessness evoked a very specific kind of anger in me and I started to let him have it in my inbox but then, my “higher voice” stepped in and I wound up talking myself out of speaking up once again. “Be the bigger person,” I told myself and I stopped replying.

I now think maybe I should have told that higher voice to zip it.

When people step on our boundaries, hurt our feelings and otherwise make us feel bad about ourselves, we experience a sense of emotional “fight or flight” and we feel one of two very natural reactions; we either want to fight back or flee altogether.

While socking everyone who offends and upsets us (verbally or physically) isn’t a healthy way to handle things, staying silent isn’t either. The bully gets away with bullying and we reinforce the [false] idea that standing up for ourselves and that protecting our right to feel safe and respected means we’re not nice, dignified or whatever other soft, sweet adverb we hope to be. The truth is, to draw boundaries and to say “enough” and “no” when those boundaries are being crossed is nice.

It’s nice to you.

Several Ways to Deal with Offensive People:

Let Them Know You’re Uncomfortable: Instead of launching a counter-attack, let the person with whom you are speaking know that you are not comfortable with the words they are using, the jokes they are telling or the tone they are speaking in. Let them know you’re having a strong response and ask them if they are intending to send you the message you’re receiving from them. This will allow them the chance to reflect, assess and adjust their way of communicating.

Let Them Know You Will Remove Yourself if They Continue: We often forget that we do not have to accept bullying behavior and that we can walk away from a given situation. Bullies forget this, too. Think of how many spouses mistreat their partners for years only to be shocked when they are handed divorce papers. When someone is on the attack or otherwise offending us, they expect us to take it, and when we don’t, they lose their power over us. Explain that your boundaries are being crossed and you won’t stay in the situation if they don’t stop creating an environment that makes you feel this way.

Take Actions to Protect Your Mental Health: No relationship (platonic, familial, professional or romantic) should require that you live in a state of chaos and anxiety. If someone is making you feel this way, it’s time to take action. Block emails from people who send offensive and stressful emails, send calls from hurtful people straight to voicemail and turn down invitations from friends and family members who put you down or upset you. If you aren’t able to walk away entirely, put up a distance by keeping contact minimal and sticking only to the topic at hand instead of reaching out and engaging them.

Know Their Traits: In my book, Cinderella Was a Liar, I discuss the “Toads who Have Got To Go” and layout how to identify traits and behaviors that often lead to heartache and even abuse. You don’t have to be dating to identify or cut these kinds of people out of your life. If someone is deceptive, offensive, chaotic, hurtful, negative or otherwise makes you feel bad, you have a right to draw a line in the sand.

Go Low Context: Instead of relying on intuition to clue the other party in, use direct and specific words to get your point across. For example, if someone is behaving in a way that leaves you feeling overwhelmed, say “Stop” or “enough”. If someone is telling you something you know is untrue, tell them, “I know what is real and what isn’t” or “I do not accept this.” When you use words that are straight-forward instead of implying, there is less room for misunderstanding.

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting producer who has spent the last seven years interviewing thousands of men and women for a variety of articles and television shows. One of those years was spent interviewing nearly 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds of single women specifically for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Cannot Find (or Keep) a Prince.Brenda has been featured on The Today Show, iVillageLive! and numerous other television and radio shows. Her work and advice have been profiled in Cosmopolitan, Psychologies, Men's Health, FHM, iVillage.com, Woman's Day, Cosmo Bride, Health and Fitness, Fabulous, For Me, Company, Seventeen, Bliss, New Woman and many others. Her column, O Solo Mio, can be seen on Divorce360 and she authors columns for Lifetime and Start Your Business Magazine. She is the author of www.Strollwithoutshoes.com

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