- BASIL AND SPICE LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

Sunday

07Feb2010

Co-Parenting 101: Begin With Respect

Feb 7, 2010

Rosalind Sedacca--

Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.

Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:

Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.

Create routine co-parent check-ins:

The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.

Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:

Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.

Be compassionate with your in-laws:

Remember that a grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.

Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.

Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca is a Certified Corporate Trainer and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents facing, moving through or transitioning beyond divorce. Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Lessons Learned From John Edwards In 2010

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

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Sunday

31Jan2010

Divorce 2010: Virtual Visitation, Illinois Gives It The OK

Jan 31, 2010

Rosalind Sedacca--

Divorce, like most other aspects of our culture, is being affected by new technological advances.

The state of Illinois, along with several others, are now allowing and even encouraging virtual visitation as part of the divorce agreement. The purpose is to enable a divorced parent with whom the children are not living to enjoy connection time with their child by utilizing a variety of electronic communication tools. This can include video web chats, email dialogue, sharing iPod music, playing iPhone games together or other technological interactions.

While many are embracing this reality as a means of maintaining a stronger connection between a parent and their child who is living apart, there are others expressing concern.

Some feel these technology-based alternatives are not a substitute for in-person visits. These divorce professionals are afraid that some parents will rely too heavily on virtual communication. They may forgo the trip to visit the children and feel less responsibility toward encouraging the in-person parent-child relationship.

In other cases the concern is that one parent will inhibit the other from enjoying personal visits with their child, using the virtual connections as an excuse to keep Dad or Mom away.

When that happens, the children miss out on the hugs, intimacy and other affection that only comes with one-on-one visits and time spent together.

However, for parents who are living far apart from their children and rarely get the opportunity for in-person visits, this new form of contact can be a real blessing. Sitting in front of the screen and chatting with Dad or Mom, face to face, can be quite fulfilling for children. They can hold up their artwork or new toys, show off their sports uniform or new shoes, scan reports or items of interest and maintain a more personal interaction with the non-residential parent.

Like with all things technological, it’s the consciousness behind the tool that will determine whether this new option will become an asset or disappointment in a child’s life. Divorced parents who sincerely care about their child’s well-being can work together to make virtual communication a welcome addition to their lives. Irresponsible parents will abuse this tool, like most others, paying little attention to the emotional effects on their own children.

Lessons Learned From John Edwards In 2010

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

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Thursday

28Jan2010

Original Poetry: A Wise Man At The Birth Of Christ By Mark Butkus (Basil & Spice/ 2010)

Jan 28, 2010

A Wise Man at the Birth of Christ

From: Las Poemas ruido y crudo de Barra de Navidad By Mark Butkus
(Por Roberto Juan Carlos)

I held a baby in my arms today
It had been far too long
Since I held life in my hands -

An unfettered life
No failed promise
No heartache
No loss

Cradled in my arms
I was holding onto tomorrow
At that moment
All I wanted was to be
Part of that child’s tomorrows
To share in that promise
And ward off
The heartache and loss that comes
With living a life

I was overwhelmed
I miss being a father
And I cried for the first time
Since my grandmother died.
And I have lost so much more since then.

All I ever wanted in life was a family
Why have I failed
So miserably on so many occasions?

I’ve wondered for the last two years
As I have made my way through
The minefield that is my life
Why I could no longer cry
Why with the mounting losses
Could I not let go and cry?

Yet today a baby touched my heart
Why here? Why now?

I held a baby in my arms today
It had been far too long
Since I held life in my hands -

An unfettered life
No failed promise
No heartache
No loss

Cradled in my arms
I was holding onto tomorrow
At that moment
All I wanted was to be
Part of that child’s tomorrows
And thank him for making me smile
And letting me cry
Not tears of pain
But tears of joy.

Author Mark Butkus writes original poetry from his heart. He has also been writing about the environment for close to 20 years in various capacities through government agencies and NGOs. He focuses on direct actions undertaken from everyday people and large corporations alike. Change is being enacted. Solutions are being developed.

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Monday

25Jan2010

Lessons Learned From John Edwards In 2010

Jan 25, 2010

Rosalind Sedacca--

John Edwards is in the hot seat today because of the many poor decisions he made. His judgment, integrity and credibility are being questioned. His decisions regarding taking responsibility for a child he fathered while already married are being rebuked. His professional career is on the line.

There is much we can all learn from John Edwards' mistakes. And despite all his errors, there’s something we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

For John, that may mean full disclosure to both his wife and mistress, cleaning the slate and accepting full responsibility for all of his actions – and their consequences.

For many of us, the actions may be more subtle and less dramatic – but they’re important to attend to nevertheless.

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues will only result in legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along -- it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – with John Edwards being a prime example! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

I hope John Edwards heeds this advice and immediately starts taking constructive steps that move him in the right direction – to honor the children he presently has with his wife, and the new daughter who will grow up calling him Dad!

Jan 2010: Divorce Filings Rise After The Holidays, Wonder Why?

5 Tips For Tiger Woods And All Families Facing Separation/Divorce

Emotional Scarring From Divorce Affects 1 In 4 Kids, Most Ages 9 To 12

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Wednesday

20Jan2010

Divorce Splits During School Year Tough on Children

Jan 20, 2010

Rosalind Sedacca--

Many families experience separation or divorce as summer approaches so they can take advantage of the school break to make post-divorce transitions. There are many other families, however, that make the break in the midst of the school year.

There are several reasons why this sometimes becomes a necessity. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses. Still others are faced with unexpected circumstances which accelerate the decision to divorce.

Regardless, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these parents going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?

I, too, planned my separation mid-school year more than a decade ago. My son was eleven at the time. We told him a couple of days after Christmas but didn’t make the physical split until February 1^st.

Obviously school-year separations can be especially difficult for school-age children. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.

Choosing to co-parent, my former husband and I each maintained a residence, intentionally located within a mile or two of each other. Our son got off the school bus at one house or the other, with little disruption of his normal routine. At the end of the school year one of his teachers came up to me saying she just learned that my husband and I split up in February. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.

Little did I know then that a decade later I would be writing a book and devoting my life to alerting parents about the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.

My advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place and feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame that your child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on how he or she is going to look back and remember these next several years.

Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
Did you keep one of their parents from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?

These are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. It’s not divorce per se that harms children, I firmly believe. It’s the parents' approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world. How are you approaching these challenges?

Supported by my Child-Centered Divorce network, website, ezine, blog and other resources, my mission is clear: to encourage parents in consciously choosing to create a collaborative, harmonious Child-Centered Divorce which will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. My son is proof that it can work successfully.