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Friday
03Jul

Mark Sanford: Infidelity--More Going On Behind Closed Doors

Lauren Mackler--

The Hidden Drivers of Infidelity

Governor Mark Sanford is a hypocritical louse; a jerk; a no-good, philandering husband. At least that seems to be the general consensus of the countless people evaluating his amorous escapades.

Before I continue, let me make a couple of things clear. Do I think it’s fine for someone to break a monogamous agreement or engage in the unfaithful behavior they have admonished in others? No, although it is not uncommon human behavior. Do I think it’s okay to put one’s spouse and children in a humiliating position—and continue to do so after expressing regret over the initial hurtful behavior? No, although it does suggest the presence of mental and/or emotional imbalance.

As injurious as Mark Sanford’s behavior has been to his family, there is a fact that most people seem to be missing: It takes two people to make a good marriage, and it takes two people to make a bad one. A partnership or marriage is a culmination of the dynamics created by both of the people in the relationship.

In cases of exposed infidelity, one partner is typically seen as the “villain” (the one who cheats), while the other is perceived as the “victim” (the innocent one). Because the cheater’s injurious behavior is blatant, it’s easy to peg him or her as the bad one—the one to blame for the relationship’s downfall. But it’s never that simple. The victim always has a part in whatever caused the relationship to deteriorate, although the dysfunctional patterns they bring to the relationship are usually more subtle (and thus harder to see) than those of the villain.

Common relationship patterns of people in the victim role that can contribute to an infidelity include emotional distancing, using parental responsibilities or work to avoid connecting with their partner; withholding physical affection or sex (often a passive-aggressive expression of anger); constant complaining or blaming their partner for things that are wrong; using “humorous” or cutting sarcasm to express resentment, or denying or ignoring what’s not working in the relationship. Patterns that villains often play out in relationship include being controlling, stubborn, self-righteous, or self-centered; overt expressions of anger such as yelling or throwing things; subtle or overt threats of abandonment, or entitlement (feeling like they’re the exception to the rules others have to live by). In response to their partner’s withdrawal, they often feel justified in seeking affection or meeting their sexual needs elsewhere.

I am not condoning Mark Sanford’s behavior, nor do I lack empathy for his wife, children, and family. My purpose in adding my voice to the throng of Mark Sanford commentators is simply this: We all are co-creators in every relationship we have. The interpersonal dynamics that two people share are created by the values, beliefs, behaviors, words, and intentions that both people bring into the relationship. Mark Sanford’s behavior was, indeed, injurious and hypocritical. But I think it’s important to remember that both he and his wife played a part in their marital discord, even if we don’t know what his wife’s part was. In cases of infidelity, there is always a lot more going on behind closed doors.

Lauren Mackler, an innovator in activating human potential, is a renowned coach, keynote speaker, teacher, and popular radio and TV talk-show guest. Over the past 25 years, she has been a psychotherapist, workshop facilitator, corporate consultant, coach, and a leading authority in the areas of personal transformation, relationships, and professional performance. She is a fellow author of Speaking of Success with Jack Canfield, Stephen Covey, and Ken Blanchard and author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. In 2001, she founded Lauren Mackler & Associates, integrating her diverse experience to create coaching programs, workshops, and training programs that help people unleash their greatest potential in their personal lives, careers, relationships, and organizations. Visit her Website at www.laurenmackler.com.

© 2009 Lauren Mackler all rights reserved

The Truth Behind Michael Jackson’s Death

Mark Sanford: Why Common Sense Takes a Holiday

Thursday
02Jul

Mark Sanford: Why Common Sense Takes a Holiday

Mark Goulston--

What is it that Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Elliott Spitzer AND Bernie Madoff have in common?

It's not that they all cheated on someone; it's that they're all "Adrenaline Junkies." Adrenaline is like "power" junk food. When you're in the middle of an adrenaline rush, you feel invincible, powerful, above the rules and above all, special. But one thing all these power junkies don't reckon on until it's too late is that "the thrill of an adrenaline rush is only exceeded by the utter angst of an adrenaline crash."

In essence these people are hooked on natural cocaine and like most cocaine addicts, they can become desperate to do and take anything to prevent the adrenaline crash. It's in that moment of desperation that concern for consequences is thrown to the wind.

"When you're on an adrenaline high, smoke gets in your mind;
and when that high begins to fall,
and your judgment becomes cloudy
you will do anything to keep it going,
and I mean anything."

That is why many people engage in extreme sports, are addicted to World of Warcraft, cocaine, scary movies, pornography AND hookers and affairs. The more dangerous and/or forbidden the activity the greater the chance to keep your adrenaline rush going. A couple of movies, Crank and Crank 2, we're almost a comic book caricature of exactly this phenomenon.

What is truly frightening about powerful people -- and usually men -- who are adrenaline junkies is wondering if and how it affects their judgment outside of the forbidden activity. Ironically and thankfully, a man's area of incompetence is usually the last to go when they hooked on adrenaline. They'll still be able to function competently long after they have destroyed their marriage or their finances, but there are occasions when it crosses over into behavior that can affect thousands, i.e. Bernie Madoff, or possibly an entire country, if in fact it played a role in the George W. Bush/Dick Cheney taking us to war with Iraq.

What's the take home from this? If all that glitters isn't gold, all that glows can turn out to be fool's gold.

Dr. Mark Goulston is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He is a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and writes the weekly Tribune syndicated career advice column, "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark" and columns on leadership for FAST COMPANY and Directors Monthly and is an expert at People Jam. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work, PTSD for Dummies, and Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM/Sep 2009). For more information visit: www.markgoulston.com.

How Madoff's Moves Fooled "Smart" People

Michael Jackson: Loved For Who He Once Was Or Not?

Copyright © 2006-2009, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

Tuesday
30Jun

How To Defend Yourself From The FaceBook Jerk

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Brenda Della Casa--

On The Offensive: Defending Yourself Against Offensive and Rude People

A few days ago, I opened my Facebook page to find (yet another) deeply offensive and hurtful status update from a former colleague posted on my homepage. This person, an aspiring comedian, finds humor in poking fun of painful topics that the majority of society finds sad and sacred, and judging by the responses to this particular comment, I was not alone in my offense. Though I was tempted to give him a sharp lesson in decency in his comment section, I did what so many of us do in these situations; I bit my tongue and swallowed my words in order to “be nice” and not “make waves.”

“We have different boundaries, and besides, he doesn’t matter,” I told myself and changed my settings to ensure I would never see his updates again.

The next morning, as I sat in front of my computer with a freshly poured cup of coffee, I was greeted with nasty email from this same man in which he attacked me for deleting him and called me “lame” and a “loser” for doing so.

I was stunned. I had met this man in person only once and had not worked with or spoken to him for four years, but he was perfectly comfortable sending me a vicious message after midnight. Here it was 7:00 AM in the morning and I felt like I was back in first period being bullied by the class jerk. When I wrote him back and mentioned that he was mistaken and that his words hurt my feelings, he dove below my low expectations and mocked me.

His arrogance and thoughtlessness evoked a very specific kind of anger in me and I started to let him have it in my inbox but then, my “higher voice” stepped in and I wound up talking myself out of speaking up once again. “Be the bigger person,” I told myself and I stopped replying.

I now think maybe I should have told that higher voice to zip it.

When people step on our boundaries, hurt our feelings and otherwise make us feel bad about ourselves, we experience a sense of emotional “fight or flight” and we feel one of two very natural reactions; we either want to fight back or flee altogether.

While socking everyone who offends and upsets us (verbally or physically) isn’t a healthy way to handle things, staying silent isn’t either. The bully gets away with bullying and we reinforce the [false] idea that standing up for ourselves and that protecting our right to feel safe and respected means we’re not nice, dignified or whatever other soft, sweet adverb we hope to be. The truth is, to draw boundaries and to say “enough” and “no” when those boundaries are being crossed is nice.

It’s nice to you.

Several Ways to Deal with Offensive People:

Let Them Know You’re Uncomfortable: Instead of launching a counter-attack, let the person with whom you are speaking know that you are not comfortable with the words they are using, the jokes they are telling or the tone they are speaking in. Let them know you’re having a strong response and ask them if they are intending to send you the message you’re receiving from them. This will allow them the chance to reflect, assess and adjust their way of communicating.

Let Them Know You Will Remove Yourself if They Continue: We often forget that we do not have to accept bullying behavior and that we can walk away from a given situation. Bullies forget this, too. Think of how many spouses mistreat their partners for years only to be shocked when they are handed divorce papers. When someone is on the attack or otherwise offending us, they expect us to take it, and when we don’t, they lose their power over us. Explain that your boundaries are being crossed and you won’t stay in the situation if they don’t stop creating an environment that makes you feel this way.

Take Actions to Protect Your Mental Health: No relationship (platonic, familial, professional or romantic) should require that you live in a state of chaos and anxiety. If someone is making you feel this way, it’s time to take action. Block emails from people who send offensive and stressful emails, send calls from hurtful people straight to voicemail and turn down invitations from friends and family members who put you down or upset you. If you aren’t able to walk away entirely, put up a distance by keeping contact minimal and sticking only to the topic at hand instead of reaching out and engaging them.

Know Their Traits: In my book, Cinderella Was a Liar, I discuss the “Toads who Have Got To Go” and layout how to identify traits and behaviors that often lead to heartache and even abuse. You don’t have to be dating to identify or cut these kinds of people out of your life. If someone is deceptive, offensive, chaotic, hurtful, negative or otherwise makes you feel bad, you have a right to draw a line in the sand.

Go Low Context: Instead of relying on intuition to clue the other party in, use direct and specific words to get your point across. For example, if someone is behaving in a way that leaves you feeling overwhelmed, say “Stop” or “enough”. If someone is telling you something you know is untrue, tell them, “I know what is real and what isn’t” or “I do not accept this.” When you use words that are straight-forward instead of implying, there is less room for misunderstanding.

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting producer who has spent the last seven years interviewing thousands of men and women for a variety of articles and television shows. One of those years was spent interviewing nearly 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds of single women specifically for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Cannot Find (or Keep) a Prince.Brenda has been featured on The Today Show, iVillageLive! and numerous other television and radio shows. Her work and advice have been profiled in Cosmopolitan, Psychologies, Men's Health, FHM, iVillage.com, Woman's Day, Cosmo Bride, Health and Fitness, Fabulous, For Me, Company, Seventeen, Bliss, New Woman and many others. Her column, O Solo Mio, can be seen on Divorce360 and she authors columns for Lifetime and Start Your Business Magazine. She is the author of www.Strollwithoutshoes.com

How To Have A Great First Date


Copyright © 2006-2009, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

 

Wednesday
24Jun

Love And Loss Down Under

 

Book Review by Marta Hoelscher

This is an interesting novel. Set in Australia, this is the story of Sarah who is reeling from the death of her husband. Overwhelmed with grief, Sarah decides to end her life and instead finds an underwater alternative world where she finds comfort and friendship. She comes back wondering if it was real or if she imagined it. When she attempts to return, to see if it was real, she ends up bringing someone from that world back with her.

The ensuing actions of Sarah and everyone around her as she tries to make sense of everything keep you on the edge of your seat. It's not always a comfortable ride either. As everyone close to her starts to back away, believing her capable of kidnapping and murder, her life spirals more and more out of control.

I thought this book was a terrific read and the story stayed with me after I was done. I really found myself getting caught up in the frustration and fear that Sarah experienced in the story.

About the Author

Gail Graham’s previous novel, Crossfire, won the Buxtehude Bulle, a prestigious German literary award. Three of Gail’s other books were NY Times Book of the Year recommendations. Gail lived in Australia for 32 years, where she owned and operated a community newspaper and published several other books, including A Cool Wind Blowing (a biography of Mao Zedong), Staying Alive and A Long Season In Hell. She returned to the United States in 2002, and now lives in Tucson, Arizona.

This one gets 5/5 stars.

Sea Changes (Jade Phoenix Publishing/ May 2009) by Gail Graham

Book Review: How To Be Found By The Man You've Been Looking For

Copyright © 2006-2009, Basil & Spice. All rights reserved.

Monday
15Jun

Book Review: Building a Home With My Husband by Rachel Simon

Reviewed By Tina Avon

I had read Rachel's previous book and really enjoyed it, but I have to say that Building a Home with My Husband is my favorite.

First of all I have to comment on the great cover. I thought it was extremely eye catching and fit the storyline perfectly. I am one of those 'cover' people and the cover is very important to me. Obviously what is inside is more important and Rachel Simon does not disappoint!!!

Rachel Simon is my new hero. Her memoir is funny, touching and way too short. We meet Rachel as she is reconnecting with the 'man of her life.' I loved her opening line "Finally we get married. After nineteen years of one of the most ridiculous courtship in the history of love." Right away, I connected with her - rarely is love and relationship easy and it can most certainly often be described as "ridiculous."

As Simon and hubby embark on their journey together, they have a very sore spot - a house - or rather "the" house. Because of the poor market, they decide to renovate it - and the renovation of the house becomes a catalyst for Rachel, who will go through many, many emotional ups and downs as each plank of wood is removed and old carpets pulled up. Indeed, while Rachel is adjusting to married life and as she pulls apart piece after piece of the "old" house - she also finds herself pulling apart piece after piece of the "old Rachel - full of unchecked feelings and emotions" and starts exploring her emotions and feelings - one by one. From being childless to looking at her own mother, Rachel begins to take a deep look inside herself and finds many areas of anger, sadness and fear. As she breaks down each piece of her old house and rebuilds a more solid foundation, Rachel feels the need to do the same for her own heart and spirit.

This memoir is full of funny stories, but more importantly it is full of touching and deep emotions that definitely kept me involved and I found myself rooting for Rachel - hoping that she can get through both her home renovation and her newfound path for inner joy.
I loved, loved, loved this book.

4 stars

Building a Home with My Husband (Penguin Group/ Jun 2009) by Rachel Simon

Book Review: Take Charge Living by Marion Kramer Jacobs