Photo Credit Hornick/RivlinAlice D. Domar, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health, Director of Mind/Body Services at Boston IVF, an assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School, and the best-selling author of four books. She is a practicing psychologist, researcher, and lecturer. Her latest book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect (Crown) was released on March 4, 2008.

Guest Blogger Alice Domar--

Why do you think that women feel such pressure to be perfect?

I think a lot of the pressure comes from the media. You can’t pick up a woman’s magazine that doesn’t have the entire cover dedicated to making you better- “How to have more quality time with your kids," “be sexier in bed," “get more done at work," “the best tasting cupcakes are only a mixing bowl away," “how to exercise more and sleep less," etc. Why is there never a tagline that says “you are pretty darn awesome just the way you are?" I also think we perceive pressure from our friends, family, and community to look, think, and act in a certain way.

Why is it unhealthy to be a perfectionist?

I am not talking about someone who takes it to the extreme and meets the criteria for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which can seriously impact relationships and quality of life. I am talking more about the average woman, who feels badly about herself if her house is cluttered, she gains five pounds, or she wants to spend a night out with her friends instead of being home making dinner for her family. It is unhealthy simply because having unrealistic expectations of oneself can dramatically affect how you live your life. Every day I see patients who don’t answer the doorbell if the house is cluttered, who can’t go to bed at night if there are dishes in the sink,  who loathes her reflection in the mirror if she doesn’t look the way she did when she was 16, or who agonizes over making any decision.

How do you know if you fit into this category?

We dedicate a chapter in the book to a quiz, to assess not only what your total perfectionism score is, but perhaps more importantly, to see in which area(s) of your life do you put the most pressure on yourself. We have sections on body image, your home, your relationships, parenting, your job, and decision-making. And your answers might surprise you-I retook the quiz recently and was surprised that my top score wasn’t job performance, which is what I would have expected, but instead my home. I thought I was ok with the cluttered-but-clean look, but I guess not!

What can one do if you realize that you put too much pressure on yourself?

That is what most of the book is about--teaching women how to get rid of the automatic negative thought patterns. We present news ways of challenging old myths, such as “my boss wanted changes in the last section of my report--I am going to get fired,” or “I can’t believe I ate that piece of cake. I am such a fat slob,” or “my son got a C on his math test--it is my fault for not helping him more with his homework,” or “my husband has not put the moves on me for days--he must not be attracted to me anymore." There are lots of ways to be gentler and easier on yourself, ranging from restructuring these thoughts, to doing various relaxation techniques to decrease anxiety, to how to practice active gratitude to acknowledge what you are doing right and what you do have in your life that is wonderful.

What about you? Are you a perfectionist?

I like to consider myself a recovering perfectionist, although there are areas in my life where I have never pushed myself that hard. As a mother of two young daughters, I constantly try to be a good non-perfect role model. I mess up, and draw their attention to my mistakes. My complete and total inability to understand geography is the source of enormous family hilarity-when one of my daughters was studying state capitols, I took the quiz and only got 15 of 50 correctly. Life is too short to obsess over those five pounds, or the cluttered playroom, or a spat with a friend or colleague. Or the capitol of Missouri!

Related: Mind And Body