National bestselling author Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT is an expert on human relationships. Through family therapy, organizational consulting, and professional coaching in churches, businesses, and schools, he has developed the revolutionary ScreamFree Living approach to relationships. Seen by millions on The Today Show (NBC), iVillage Live (NBC) and CW's nationally syndicated The Daily Buzz, Hal is the founder and president of ScreamFree Living, Inc., as well as the voice behind the groundbreaking ScreamFree Living book series. He travels coast-to-coast sharing his ScreamFree relationship programs with audiences nationwide through teleconferences, web seminars, newsletters, training classes, and the book series. His most recent book ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool is now available.

Guest Blogger Hal Runkel--

So, with all of that noted, it's easy to get motivated to gear up for battle, right? Given the gravity of the situation, let's all get armed to go to war, beat back the tide of fat, and find the best way to "get children to eat healthy foods!"

If it's a true, never-ending battle you seek, then go right ahead. Prepare for war. But if it's a great relationship with your kids you really want, a relationship filled with mutual respect in which both parents and children naturally choose, on their own, to take an interest in their own nutrition, then prepare for a different path altogether.

I, of course, call it the ScreamFree Path. The first step is learning to calm our parental anxiety and recognize a few certain truths about this issue. They are:

Food battles are more about parent/child dynamics than they are about nutrition. Parents allowing the whimsical tests from their kids to dictate their own demeanor and behavior are falling prey not to their kids' immaturity, but to their own. Calm down and accept your position as the grownup here. If you don't first accept it, then your kids never will.

 

No child under 10 has ever voluntarily starved him/herself to death instead of eating vegetables. Yes, eating disorders are serious diseases among teenagers and their families. They are a highly developed condition centering on enormous battles of will between children and their parents and their body image. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about young children beginning to eat healthy food choices. And while it may be tough for you to allow your kid to go hungry, relax; he won't do it for long. The question is whether his hunger will speak louder to him than your anxiety. If it does, then he'll eat. If not, then you'll need to deal with the next truth…

Parents anxiously needing their kids to eat the dinner they "slaved over" will always be wondering why their kids don't respect them. Wanting our kids to respect us and others comes naturally. But, needing them to respect us, appreciate us, and validate all of our efforts is a recipe for disaster. You know what people respect? Self-validation. We respect, and long to follow and learn from, leaders who exude a calm confidence and invite others to join them along a path of new discovery. Leaders who still follow that path even if we refuse that invitation. Our kids are begging us to lead them like that in all areas of life, including the arena of food.

Parents can never expect their kids to eat a healthier diet than they do. Some of you may want to stop reading right here. But just like with our money habits, our eating habits are far more influential than our words of instruction. Kids can spot double-standards from a mile away, and they certainly won't follow someone they can't trust. If we want our kids to exercise self-regulation and healthy exploration in their eating, then we first must do so ourselves. Try and go a week focusing more on your own habits than your kids'. Only then will you be humbled enough to exercise this next truth…

Parents must learn to both restrict and respect their kids' choices. The principle here is to calmly acknowledge that our kids have choices in life, and it is our job to help them become good decision-makers. That is not the same thing as making them eat their veggies. It is a matter of listening to and observing their preferences, offering them a balance of things they already like and things they haven't tried, while highlighting the consequences of their choices.

None of these truths offer a magic prescription, but that's because there is no such thing. I know that is really frustrating for parents who are mired in the battle of the bulge, but remember, you are hoping to create self-directed adults who choose, on their own, to be healthy. By committing yourself to a ScreamFree Path, you will begin to see that the food battle itself is the real villain, and the relationship we have with our kids is the victim when we engage. So, choose your path carefully, because a strong, vital relationship will go a long way towards creating the healthy patterns you desire.

Related: What Kids Need Most

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