Dr. Mark Goulston is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He is a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and writes the weekly Tribune syndicated career advice column, "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark" and columns on leadership for FAST COMPANY and Directors Monthly . He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship. For more information visit: www.markgoulston.com.

Guest Blogger Mark Goulston--

Need a little tenderness in your relationship with your aging parents? If so, it might be helpful to keep in mind the words of a teacher of mine, Dr. Milton Greenblatt, used as a favorite quote in my book, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior.

First we are children to our parents,

Then parents to our children,

Then parents to our parents,

Then children to our children.

Your aging dad is fighting having his independence taken away from him, but he is a danger to himself and others if he continues to drive. How can you take the keys away without hurting his pride and triggering the fear and anger that he feels underneath?

You try explaining all the facts of the situation, but it just makes it worse. Instead of cooperating he just becomes belligerent. So you back off and believe him when he says: "I can drive just fine," even when you know in your heart he's not able to drive safely. You could just wait until he gets that moving violation ticket or fails his next driving test (and be like the majority of adults who handle the situation passively and hope something bad doesn't happen).

On the other hand you can take charge and say calmly and factually: "We are not going to allow you to drive, because the risk of you hurting yourself or someone else is just too great. In its place we will do what we can to provide you with transportation so you can get where you need to go."

And then duck.

Just because your dad makes you feel like you are hurting him or ruining his life doesn't mean that you are. Just because he gets angry and replaces it with being depressed, doesn't mean you have caused it.

The key is to maintain regular contact even if he becomes angry or says nothing. Don't let his mood or behavior control the consistency of those visits (even if they make the visits briefer).

I remember one adult son who did just this with his dad whose impaired memory continued to deteriorate and who didn't want to do much of anything. His mother frequently asked her son if he could come and encourage his dad to go out for walks and do more instead of just spending time in his den in a funk. During one visit, he was strongly encouraging his dad to get up and go for a walk when his father looked at him and his mother and said: "Do me a favor. Don't visit again so soon. Both of you just leave me the f*** alone."

The son told me he was completely taken aback, but he didn't leave. Instead he went into an other room to visit with his mom who shared how difficult the father had become, but then reassured her son not to take it personally. The son was determined to not leave the situation as it was.

An hour later he went to sit on the porch not to convince, but to just visit with his dad, who by this time had quieted down. His father was staring out at the golf course that he once loved but no longer played on. Instead of trying to convince, cajole or manipulate his dad into doing something, the son said to his dad in the most inviting and caring voice: "So dad, how's it going?"

The dad looked at his son, looked away, then looked at the ground when his eyes began to tear up and whereupon he said: "I never thought it (i.e. my life) would turn out this way."

"I understand," the son replied tenderly especially since this was the first time he had ever seen his dad cry.

Connecting can be a powerful catalyst to deeper communication. A few minutes later, the dad, who was not someone to want to deal with his situation honestly and who was never told he had cancer twenty-five years earlier at the insistence of his wife who knew it would freak him out said: "Son, what is Alzheimer's Disease?"

Not wanting to dismiss such an honest reaching out, the son replied: "It's when your memory starts to fail and you sometimes have trouble remembering where you are or what you are doing."

The son then related watching his dad's face squinch up like one of the rotten apple dolls they sell in New England. His dad's face was a mixture of fear and an intense effort to concentrate when he said to his boy: "Son, do I have it?"

The son honestly didn't know and replied, "I'm not sure. Your memory is not as good as it used to be, but neither is mine. I just know you're having a rough time and that I love you."

And then the son and his dad went for a walk.

HealthCare Organizations For Seniors' Issues

More From Mark Goulston